Standing in my Light

We’ve all heard the famous saying: “the calm before the storm”.  But you know what? I prefer to see that storm through a different lens: after the storm comes the clearing. The rain subsides, the clouds eventually clear up, and the sun shines upon us once again.

That’s where I am these days; I am standing in my light.

I am dancing. No more waiting for the proverbial ‘other shoe’ to drop. I’m reaching out, grabbing that damn shoe out of the sky, and dancing to life’s music with those heels on.

I am running around with my kiddos, laughing and screaming without feeling like a sword is stabbing through my torso and sucking the breath out of me.

I am wearing the damn bikini, basking with my angels in the summer sun and then cooling down in the waters of the lakes that held my heart as a child once again.

I am smiling without worrying about how dark the circles under my eyes are, or how pale I am from the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Central Sensitivity that haunted me for so long.

I am snuggling right in at night, laying down in bliss without nerve pain & arthritis keeping me from slumber.

I am making plans with friends without secretly worrying that I will be in too much pain to show up for them; without worrying that one day, they will give up.

I am making plans with my kiddos; finally showing up for them in a way that lets them know that mommy is not sick anymore. They can breath, they can laugh, they can play. They can just be kids once again.

I am remembering and also rediscovering who I am. I forgot so much of who really lived underneath all that pain. I am NOT simply an introvert; I fiercely love my people, and being with them brings me joy once again rather than depleting all of my physical resources & leaving me bed-bound for days on end after even the shortest of visits. I am NOT fragile or broken; I love lifting weights and working out, feeling my inner warrior raise her voice in triumph. I am NOT a failure; my journey has been long & pain-filled, there’s no denying that. But I made it through.

I am standing in my light.

I am ready to teach again. Ready to see the little faces who need their own things along their own journeys. I’m ready to sub this fall; my body can handle it and my spirit is excited. In fact, I can hardly wait.

I am ready.

I am no longer barely surviving.

I am THRIVING.

I am standing tall in my freaking light.

 

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