Hello, it’s me. Evy’s mama, Lacey.
I figured I should reintroduce myself, considering it’s been a hot minute since this blog was active. (If a “hot minute” meant over 2 years of radio silence…) And boy, did I miss this.
Today, as I was doing the 496th load of laundry so far in 2022, I was struck with inspiration to WRITE. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. It had been so long since this blog had a visit from it’s author that the theme wordpress had provided for it in 2018 had been RETIRED. Eesh, talk about cobwebs.
I wish I could quickly & succinctly articulate the reason for my absence from writing….Why, when something brought me such peace, clarity and joy, would I have left that on the back-burner for multiple years? But the answer is rather multifaceted…so I’ll just preface this with a promise to keep it as brief as possible, with pinches of humor sprinkled in along the way.
First of all, I can easily say that my own health took a turn down a dark pathway into a haunted forest. The vertigo prevented me from being able to look at the very screen I am now typing on. The 24-7 pain was all-consuming, my body was no longer my own in any way (and not in the way a pregnant mother would say something like that, with an undeniable “glow’ despite her nausea). My eyelashes all fell out, my hair stopped growing, and the constant cocktail of cortisol & adrenaline coursing through my veins put my body into a state of hanging on to every ounce of weight that it could. And the relentless fatigue…well, I don’t even know how to articulate how horrid that is. I wish I could voice how insufficient the term “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” is…and maybe I will try to describe that one day, but that will be for another post at another time 😉
So, yes, my health clearly presented a major barrier to crossing the mountain back to blogland…but I would be remiss if I claimed that was all there is to it.
This blog was initially created by myself for 2 distinct purposes: to help me process the horrific journey we were facing with our Evrett when was just shy of 3 years of age, and secondly to hopefully reach other parents/caregivers navigating their ships through similarly violent waters. We eventually got to the point where that treacherous chapter came to a close…therefore, what else should I have to share here? I didn’t want to waste any moment of your precious time. (That’s what TikTok is for….see? A pinch of humor, as promised. Don’t worry, I’m not actually judging anyone who loves TikTok 😉 )
That reason also makes sense on paper, doesn’t it?
And yet, that’s still not the authentic reason for my vanishing.
(“Get to it, Lacey!”….I hear you. Ok, here we go)
I lost myself.
That’s it. Plain & simple.
I got to a point where life had sent so many curveballs our way that I had no idea what position I was playing on the team, in what field I should be, or even what GAME I was in anymore. I had thought I was playing shortstop…but instead I was stranded with a football at the top of the free-throw line in a Scotties Tournament of Hearts uniform.
How, then, was I to write to you any longer?
We humans in this Western part of the world tend to derive much of our sense of identity from: WHAT: we do for a living, WHAT our hobbies are, and HOW we would describe our dominant personality traits (amongst other things). I had barely any of that anymore…all that seemed to exist for those years was the quest to survive. And when all you’re trying to do is keep breathing, making space for creativity is damn near impossible (even though it may help immensely).
Slowly but surely, over the past 2 years, the layers of fossilization have been brushed away and I can FEEL who I am again. Not all of the time, and not with as much certainty or strength as I would always prefer, but at least the lantern carries a spark! And I’m feeling so damn grateful.
Now I’m %110 healthy, wise as can be, funnier than ever before, sharp as a tack, and overall just damn near perfect…HA!! Nope, just kidding. I’m still a hot mess. Still figuring things out as I stumble along, just as everyone in this big messy world is. The difference now is simply that I’m at a healthy enough place to be able to create, interact, and ENJOY once again 🙂
So, why don’t we just pick up where we left off? Afterall, the purpose of this blog isn’t actually much different than it originally was: only rather than writing to process my role in Bug’s journey and reach others, it will be to process my OWN journey on my OWN road. And interacting with all of YOU along the way is just the biggest, brightest blessing a gal could hope for.
~Cheers all, thank you for being here. Please use the “leave a reply” feature at the bottom of this page if you’d like to interact about this post. And if you want to receive an email whenever a new post is published, use the “follow” button. Best wishes on your own journey today.